The world that we live in is already tough to navigate, with people building up their walls so high. There seems to be a constant scrutiny of everything we do, and no one cares about our emotions and feelings. Words are given more preference. I understand the need to use correct words, really I do, because that is my job. I am a writer, a journalist, and not choosing the right words would wreak a havoc, and I understand that. But, I also understand that sometimes, choosing the right words can be so difficult that it can trigger a breakdown.
A lot of people can probably relate to this.
I am an introvert, to the extent where I have not once craved to get out of my home even though we have been in a lockdown on and off for nearly 1.5 years now.
And since I was young, I have been trying to balance wanting to fit in and not knowing what to say. Over the years, I realised that people do not often understand the actual struggle that introverts go through, especially extreme introverts (trust me – my personality test came back as 98% introvert).
I have lived 24 years of my life hiding behind either silence or talking about my weird dreams, my weird sleep schedule, my weird self, putting myself down in front of others and limiting who I am as an individual, just so I can talk to someone else without having them realise how awkward I am. I had to choose between being awkward and being self-deprecating, and I chose the latter for so long.
But now, when I try to not choose being self-deprecating, I have no idea what to do. Usually, when I write on my blog, I try to write things that I know about, but this time, I thought it was time to just rant out what I feel, because why not?
You put me in a professional space and I will navigate my way around people without so much as a second thought. But it is the personal aspect that is the hardest. And that is where I do not have any answers.
It is sometimes crippling when I want to continue a conversation and I do not know what to say, because what if whatever I say is weird and awkward? I wouldn’t know what is awkward to say and what is not. I do not know the balance between oversharing and undersharing, I do not know how to start conversations or how to continue them. I do not know when someone that I am talking to is merely an acquaintance or when they become my friend. I do not know. And I wish I knew, because every conversation I have with someone else keeps me up at night, as I go over every little detail to analyse whether I offended someone, or said something that made them uncomfortable.
It makes me feel helpless because if someone does not continue a conversation with me, I just assume it is because I am at fault and said something wrong, because that is such a real possibility, and I can’t go back and ask what happened – confrontations are a no-no. I am trying to change this in myself, but I am often left wondering if this is at all worth all the overthinking and headaches that come about later.
It stops me from being able to do the one thing that I want to do the most – have real, deep conversations with people – and that is probably the worst part of all of this.
And I do not know how to go about in this world where no one seems to care about other people’s feelings anymore, and where everyone seems to be out to get a hold of one mistake and drag people down.
I sometimes just wish that emotions and intentions would be understood for once, rather than the words, because words can fail you sometimes. And this is ironic, because as an introvert, it is sometimes so easy to say the wrong things and hurt someone else during the process.
The frustration I feel at not being able to communicate like a fully functional adult is something I cannot even put into words anymore, because what is the point? When it is time for material conversations, words will fail me, and that is frightening.
Bulbul Dhawan 